The Joe and Smith Podcast: Read the Book of Mormon with us

1 Nephi 15 He Looks Like Dudley Dursley and He Sounds Like Brian Regan

Smith starts out by trying to convince us that his legal name may be Smith Podcast and the guys have been saying his name the entire time. Smith knows a lot about Penn and Teller. Joe remembers REM’s 1995 performance on Letterman. Joe made a Modest Mouse name-that-tune challenge game for Smith, and Smith kind of blows it out of the water. The guys talk about what they like about indie music, and Joe confesses his love for Indie 102.3 in Denver. Is there a Mormon special forces unit? Smith tells about his son correcting him over Rusty’s name for the church. Joe’s son correctly uses the L’s N in V. Joe tells a second-hand story about a good sacrament meeting prank he heard of once. The guys remember how nerve-racking the sacrament prayer could be, and Smith shares a fail he had. The guys talk about an attitude shift in the church more recently where people can make mistakes on some of the wording and still get by. Smith drops a bombshell that he used to be a temple worker/officiator and tells a couple of stories about the council to not be an asshole to temple patrons. 
Nephi acts like a judgey asshole to his brothers while millions of people in 2022 testify that the BOM is true. Joe tells us about telling his bishop about masturbating too much. Smith casually mentions the idea of the BOMCU as if he’s mentioned it millions of times. He wonders if Jurassic Park technology will help graft the branch of this olive tree that Nephi won’t STFU about. Joe gets indignant about Nephi taking credit for a positive change in L&L, but not taking responsibility when shit goes South. Smith points out that it’s silly to get angry with the motivations of the fictional Nephi. 
Bane reads us a quote from Brucer, who seems like a pretty big advocate for staying with the ninety and nine sheep. The guys scratch the surface on DF Uch and how challenging norms may get you demoted out of the first presidency. Smith recommends a Thinker of Thoughts YT video about a GA who had to make some ex post facto changes to his conference talk (citation needed). The guys resort to making dick jokes about the iron rod again, come on guys grow up. L&L tend to ask the questions that Nephi is just raring to answer, some of the questions are so specific. Joe and Smith try to make an impromptu MM song using the BOM as inspiration and it doesn’t work. The guys still can’t get over how in-your-face the last chapter was about calling all other churches a whore. 
 
Crush With Eyeliner - REM - 1995 https://youtu.be/xA3H6czr9Ms?t=250  
Indie 102.3 in Denver (stream it!) https://indie.cpr.org/ 
The Universe Tim and Eric https://youtu.be/-R4Tp8ls5lY?t=62 
The Caravan Moves On By Elder Bruce R. McConkie https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1984/10/the-caravan-moves-on?lang=eng 
Thinker Of Thoughts https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVTCFh3uDMH0GZlwl1JOoHQ 
A Mormon by any other name... https://youtu.be/2lKQrYUE3yc
Randy Travis - Forever And Ever, Amen (Official Music Video) https://youtu.be/sgJXbIP83A8 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 14 This is Pure

Smith gives an invocation to our Lord Liam Neesons. The guys discuss laziness versus efficiency. Smith tells Joe about calculated mediocrity. Joe tries to start a rumor that eating a lime will make you lie. He also tells us about his stake president growing up (Guilt Swirly) who may or may not have propagated the rumor that he could tell when someone was telling the truth in an interview. Smith reminds us that general authorities get paid by the church. Smith sums up some of the thoughts he’s had while recently studying about BY and the early days of the church. The guys agree that Michael Ballam is definitively the sexiest Satan in the endowment room. The guys decided to hold off on FX’s Under the Banner of Heaven (aka Garfield) until all of the episodes are out. Smith reminds Joe about the Alicia Silverstone bird thing. Smith has an idea for a JS re-enactment at his family reunion. The guys realize that they are putting off reading this week’s chapter which reminds them of putting off reading the BOM in their earlier days. 
Joe comes back from the break too early for Smith. The chapter starts off pretty boring and kinda repeats the same note over and over again throughout. Joe and Smith remember some ill-timed boners while doing the work of the Lord. Do you belong to a different church? Guess what? It’s a whore, no further questions. The guys come back from the 2nd break a little early too. Joe and Smith wonder what it would be like to be a fly on the wall for a meeting with the church’s PR firm. The guys notice that JS uses this part of the BOM to summarize all of human history until the second coming (not the good kind) of Jesus. In other words, nothing historically important happens from 1830 until whenever Jesus comes back because that time period is unaccounted for. Smith pitches a wonderful fan fiction idea where JS was actually a prophet, and the smear campaign against him was just really successful. Full circle? 
 
The Valets Love Liam Neesons - Key & Peele https://youtu.be/hhfHu6IHBiI
Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price Ph.D. https://www.amazon.com/Laziness-Exist-Devon-Price-Ph-D/dp/1982140100 
Mormon Temple Endowment Movie - Cast and History from The Salamander Society http://www.salamandersociety.com/media/movies/templemovie/ 
 
Alicia Silverstone Feeding Baby Mouth-to-Mouth Video Spurs Debate, Is it Safe, Healthy? https://youtu.be/ZvySMbNA2zc 
 
Why Bible Accurate Angels Are So Creepy https://youtu.be/40KcrrfbJ6o 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 13 It's More Possible Than JS Finding a Gold Bible

Smith once again starts again with a prayer and Joe respectfully closes his eyes. The guys talk timelines in the Breaking Call Saul-iverse. Ask and ye shall receive: Joe would like an award for being an adult. The guys talk about the “never enough” attitude both in and outside the church. Smith tells us about giving himself an out while giving Priesthood blessings. Guessing game: how many UT municipalities are named after LDS apostles? The guys talk about worshiping BY and JS. There is an LDS scripture that puts JS as the 2nd most important person to have ever lived on earth. Nice. The guys remember watching the Netflix documentary Abducted in Plain Sight (2017) which kind of serves as an example of how church members can be a little extra susceptible to sociopaths since a guy that they definitely don’t worship may have been one. The guys sound old while expressing their disapproval of youtubers who do a lot of screaming. Smith mentions Andy Daily (good) and Rush Limbaugh (bad) in the same sentence. Joe is not ready to admit that he used to listen although he readily admits to all sorts of shameful Mormonocities. The guys go down a Crispin Glover rabbit hole and Smith reads a plot summary of the Werner Herzog film Even Dwarfs Started Small (1970). 
Smith starts off chapter 13 reminding us that there is an angel who loves to show stuff to Nephi. Like, all sorts of stuff. The guys are reminded about how the BOM goes all-in on Christopher Columbus, and not the good one. The same chapter gives us some foreshadowing about how the BOM gets into some pretty uncomfortable territory regarding, you know, people with white skin being more blessed. Ideas for blowing through Jacob chapter 5? We still have time to figure it out. Joe has some pretty well-timed exasperated sighs in this ep. Joe isn’t proud of his young jingoistic missionary self. Q- How likely is it that this abominable church was founded by a mythical creature? A- about as likely as a different church was founded by a guy who said he was visited by other mythical creatures. Fucking plain, and godamn precious, things. Yes Joe, the Pixies have a song that mentions 7 is God’s number. Smith (rightfully) loses his mind over the repetition and cadence that is happening at the end of this chapter. Listeners, adieu. 
Peaches - The Presidents of the United States of America https://youtu.be/wvAnQqVJ3XQ
Pixies - Monkey Gone To Heaven (Official Video) https://youtu.be/EHC9HE7vazI?t=109 
 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
 
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
 
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1 Nephi 12 I Want Mormon Rap, Not Mormon Doctrine

Smith leads off with a beautiful prayer. The garbage truck is busy in Joe’s neighborhood. Smith tells us a Tesla tale. A guy tried to run a speaker-selling scam on Smith at a gas station…twice. Joe reminisces about a pot edible inspiring a vengeance plot for Bindi Irwin. Smith asks a Beatles question and gets a long answer. The guys talk about accents and document forging. It’s an easy trail to follow after that- Mark Hoffman, Jared Hess, Jackie Chan, Tim and Eric- obviously. The guys go down a rabbit hole of former or dissident mormons (formons). 
Chan: 'Not Jackie Chan' | Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! | Adult Swim https://youtu.be/WN71h43iR6U
 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
Remember who you are and what you stand for
 

1 Nephi 11 The Spirit's Got ADHD

Joe and Smith sometimes ask each other questions to which they already know the answer. More Utah municipality talk. Smith is feeling a bit off and tries to re-center himself with a calming rendition of Cotton-eye Joe. The guys play a round of finger, mercenary, kiss with Nolan Batman villains, and then another round of candlelight dinner, church dance, eternal marriage with characters from The (Diggery) Batman. The guys surmise that the Joker would not be a very loyal Tenenbaum. Why does it feel so good to feel bad? It’s so comforting sometimes. Joe recommendation: American Crime Story: Impeachment. Bane reads us a quote from Dallin Oaks about apologies. Joe Smith was a fast-talker, an artist of misdirection. 4’33” is a composition by experimental composer John Cage. Link below to EV’s karaoke version of it. 
Smith starts out by accidentally reading the wrong chapter, that’s just extra blessings. This chapter of the BOM starts with an angel appearing to Nephi and showing him all sorts of visions. Who is the best Scrooge? Michael Cain? George C. Scott? Bill Murray? Joe goes in-depth to explain the condensation of God. Smith channels his inner 12-year-old for a pretty jizzy interpretation of the vision of the tree of life. A dog at Smith’s house says hello from a different room. Smith tells us a mission story about having to use his Priesthood authority to cast out EFY music. He shares his opinion on the LDS practice of having youth participate in a trek (pioneer LARP-ing). Smith gets so worked up talking about the trek that he needed to end the episode in anger, which is something experts advise against. 
Holopaw - Dirty Boots https://youtu.be/VbS58eESOFQ
 
John Cage 4'33" Karaoke https://youtu.be/md_SCDozcAY
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
 
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
 
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 10 John The Go**mn F***ing Baptist

Joe and Smith open with an excerpt from a sacred children’s hymn. It really leans into the minor key. The guys are still figuring out their best audio setups, thanks for your patience. Joe asks Smith about his knowledge on the triple M, and then Joe (poorly) recalls what he read about it on the wikipedia page for the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Joe misremembers a Kids in the Hall sketch (it was Bruce, not Dave). Smith was gifted a box of electronics from before the turn of the century. Joe accidentally gets Smith to talk about Michael Crichton again. See youtube links to Kirk and Spock below. Should we do an ep from the lava tube in Flagstaff? Nephi is very specific in his prophecies regarding things to come. Even Samuel the Lamanite wasn’t able to (spoiler) give a specific year of Jesus’ birth, so Nephi is pretty impressive prophet-wise. 
Kids in the Hall: The Long Note https://youtu.be/OYiJabhVST8 
William Shatner "Sings" 'Rocket Man' 1978 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wI4jMxveyI 
Leonard Nimoy: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC35cQKHwzg
 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist.
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
 
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
 
Remember who you are and what you stand for
 

1 Nephi 09 There's a Lot of Sh*t That's Gone Down That God Hasn't Stopped

Smith wastes no time getting into some durian talk. His brother was sprayed by a skunk in his childhood and Joe had a close encounter in Strawberry, AZ. They make a quick visit to the corrections department about men getting sealed to other men. Joe has never seen a “live session” of the temple ceremony so Smith conducts a worthiness interview to see if Joe can get into the temple. Joe and Smith can’t stop talking about how much they love each other. The guys try to use Paul F. Tompkins as their spiritual guide for avoiding potty humor, but sometimes they still offend the spirit. What is the name of the plates this time? There are two of them this time and they’re both named Nephi for anyone keeping track. Smith brings up Top Gear again, but this time it is Harry Potter-related. Bane shows up to read us some pretty terrible quotes from Brigham Young’s journal of discourses. It’s hard to tell who is better at being a villain, and one of them isn’t even real. The guys try to convince themselves to do a deeper dive on brother Brigham on a bonus episode, but it sounds like a lot of heartache. 
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
 
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
 
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 08 The Tree of F***ing Life

Quick head’s up on the technical side: the audio dropped out for a few minutes while recording so you will hear that happen toward the end of the episode.
Smith lets us know that he is in fact not affiliated with the grocery chain with the same name. The guys share a couple of cold stories. How many actors in the Matrix (1999) can Smith name? Tortoises and turtles are precious in his sight. Listener submitted UT dispensary names. How many Utah towns can you name? Smith had a classic MDM: Mother’s Day Mishap. LDS sacrament used to use wine to represent the blood of Christ, but now uses water. It’s quite the reversal of one of the miracles for which Jesus was most known. 
Lehi had a vision. It’s kind of boring, but God loves Boring. Lehi eats some delicious fruit that may be as delicious as durian is for Smith. Better numbers equals better missionary, better missionary equals better living conditions. Doesn’t it seem like more mocking comes from people on the path than from people in the great and spacious building? When did the tree of life vision get so boring? Shout out to Peter Bleakley’s idea that current church leadership is pretty similar to the Pharisees from the New Testament. Smith feels like there is an ‘emperor's new clothes’ element to appreciating the temple ceremony.  
 
Peter Bleakley’s podcast is Mormon Civil War and can be found at: https://www.mormoncivilwar.com/
Intro and incidental music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist. 
Gotta Keep On Movin Written by Bryan Teoh. This music is available for commercial and non-commercial purposes at- https://freepd.com/
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 07 You Can Summon Turtles, Oh Sh**

Joe has some technical issues with his audio on this episode. If you are an audiophile, Joe’s audio is going to drive you crazy. It may be worth skipping, but you may lose out on building your testimony. Joe and Smith strive to be your number one source for information on the heights of the hosts from the British TV show Top Gear. Smith returns and reports on the Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022). Joe does the same with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (1999), which was fabulous. The guys talk about how they still find themselves defending the church sometimes. They also point out how their criticisms of the church are likely not as strong as someone who is an expert in that sort of thing. Joe and Smith used to believe (and teach) that the church was run by an unpaid “lay” ministry, but they later found out that was not true. The guys pitch each other some ideas for Utah MMJ dispensary names. 
1 Nephi Chapter 7 casually mentions a guy named Ishmael as if we’ve known about him the whole time. One fact about Ishmael is that he was a fan of breakdancing. Nephi gets preachy with his brothers. He really comes off as a dickhead in this chapter, unfortunately empowering faithful dickheads all over the church. Was Laban’s murder the origin story of Nephi as a supervillain? Smith remembers a time that he summoned a turtle, this time from his childhood. 
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist. 
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com
Remember who you are and what you stand for

1 Nephi 05 and 06 May or May Not Have Been Under the Influence of Some Medical Marijuana

Joe and Smith discuss being respectful to faithful members of the church. They acknowledge that a lot of their criticism is from similar personal experiences in the church left them with a sense of chronic shame. Like many systems, the church seems to benefit those at the top while failing to deliver on the promise of benefits for all. The guys respect their pioneer heritage and the suffering and sacrifices that went along with life in those times. The guys pull the plug on the ‘and it came to pass’ drinking game. Joe uses the commitment pattern to invite Smith unto watching a 2022 Nicolas Cage movie. Other movie assignments include, Being John Malkovich (1999), Westworld (1973), The Last Temptation of Christ (1988), Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (1999). Smith is a fan of the boy who lived, but not on the silver screen? It turns out that the guys know embarrassingly few lyrics to Baby Got Back. Also, The Violent Femmes are from Milwaukee.  
They read and discuss 1 Nephi Chapters 5 and 6. Third grade Smith got busted for a crudely-drawn picture of a sister in Zion. How can the book be so boring after such an exciting beheading chapter? The Book of Mormon is written not to be pleasing unto man, but unto God. Smith tells us about a personal experience when church members felt the spirit very strongly from him while he was on medical marijuana. Is the church moving away from the OG depictions of Christ from our childhoods?
 
Del Parson picture of Christ- https://deseretbook.com/p/christ-red-robe-16x22-framed-print-del-parson-74587
Russel M Nelson Divine Love  “divine love…cannot correctly be characterized as unconditional” https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/02/divine-love?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fstudy%2Fensign%2F2003%2F02%2Fdivine-love%3Flang%3Deng&adobe_mc_sdid=SDID%3D5398AB9BA629B12E-5790299054E90DEA%7CMCORGID%3D66C5485451E56AAE0A490D45%2540AdobeOrg%7CTS%3D1652217199
Music Provided by Eric VanAusdal with permission from the artist. 
The Book of Mormon is publicly available at churchofjesuschrist.org
Email us at joeandsmithpod@gmail.com